Vodafone Customer Services

--Admin note 00:12 Sun 13 Dec --
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The original post has been modified to have had some content removed due to racial insensitivity. Steve is one of the five bloggers who contribute to the site, and his views are not representative of those of the rest of us.
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Here is a conversation between me and the woman on the other end of the line when I called Vodafone’s customer services. The first part is recorded messages. The second part is what we said to one another and what I was thinking throughout the duration of the conversation.

Beep, beep... beep, beep... beep, beep...

Welcome to Vodafone customer services (hello Mrs. Recording, I am Steve). Did you know that you can find out your current balance by calling 2345 (my ‘3’ key is broken you moron) free of charge from your mobile? Right, I have three choices for you (I have a girlfriend, thanks). For help with topping up, using our freedom packs, getting pay as you go perks, getting your PUK code, getting information about price plans or amendments to the services you have in use, press 1 (yeah, because I really remembered all what you just said).

If you have a problem and need help, it’s 2 (this could be offensive to people like Sam Jones).
If you’re thinking of leaving us, press ‘3’ (that means I can’t leave Vodafone. To me it sounds like they planned for me to wind up with a broken ‘3’ key just so I couldn’t press that button at that precise moment in time and thus leave them. Monopolistic pricks) or to hear this again, it’s star.

(I press ‘2’)

Please wait while we redirect you to customer services (I thought this was customer services?)

Beep, beep... beep, beep... beep, beep... (Déjà vu)

Hello, Vodafone customer services, how can I help you?.

Hey, I have a small issue. (Pause). I went and bought a £5 Vodafone top-up voucher and then realised there was a ‘3’ in the top-up number. The only thing is, the ‘3’ key on my mobile is broken, so I can’t type the code. Is there any way I could... (Pause) top up through you? (Implications).

Well... when did you last top-up?

I think I topped up on Tuesday... (Long pause) or something like that, can’t remember.

Well... how much do you usually top up? (Her voice has the same effect as shoving a cheese grater in your ear).

£5.

Well... okay, what’s your phone number and top-up number? (Finally).

[redacted]... (pause) [redacted]... (pause) [redacted]... (pause) [redacted]... (pause). And the top up number is (I don’t have the receipt to hand at time of writing so just insert a load of numbers and pauses in this space).

Thank you, your top up is being transferred as we speak.

Okay, thanks for doing this for me! (I would love to smash a pie in your face).

Bye! (Hangs up).